Sympathy for the Kanker
by BarthVader
Summary: During a perfectly normal social drinking event, a lil' secret regarding the Kankers is revealed. One-shot, formerly known as "An Addendum to The Purgatory Theory".


**It's Halloween! Or at least it was when I started writing this bloody thing! I've decided to celebrate this holiday by writing a little ditty that is pretty much the same thing as usual, but with some supernatural elements thrown in. Witness the terror of KINDA-SORTA-EDS/KANKERS LOWBROW COMEDY!**** Awoooo!**

Edd was thinking whether accepting an invitation for a get-together from the Kanker sisters was merely a bad idea or a complete disregard of any self-preservation instincts.

They all ended up watching a B-rated movie on the TV while sipping some homemade wine (May-made, to be precise). Marie, Lee, Eddy and the smart boy were sitting on the couch, while May and Ed were sitting in front of it. Apart from a few tasteless jokes on the blunette's part, the atmosphere was surprisingly pleasant and not-rapey at all, which made the boy even more suspicious.

"You're so tense, Double D." Marie remarked.

"Is-is this a prelude to another innuendo?"

"No, no." she tried to sound as genuine as possible. "You seriously _are _tense. What's wrong?"

"Well," the boy raised his drink, "I'm in the trailer of three girls with very skewed ideas of consent and personal space, accepting their invitation out of fear and politeness, in that order, there's a glass of unspecified alcohol I'm supposed to taste, and my two friends are inebriated. Nothing is wrong." he allowed himself to be sarcastic for a second. "Nothing at all."

Lee sighed. "For fuck's sake, Two-Dee..." she said, slightly mumbling. "We've been drinking from the same carboy, I let you pick the glasses, you were in the kitchen lookin' at my hands when I was pouring those... there's no flippin' catch in all this, we just wanna spend time with guys who aren't complete dipshits. Just for a change." She picked up the boy's drink and took a gulp from it. "It's just normal homemade wine. No methanol, roofies, or artificial preservatives. Dee and Eddy are drinking it as well. Don't be a chicken." She handed the cup back to him. "Take a sip."

"Relax a bit, Sockhead." Eddy slurred, completely sloshed. "If they try somethin', I'm gonna beat 'em up mys-whoa!" He tried to throw a few punches, but somehow fell flat from the couch on his face, between the tall boy and the blonde girl. The hosts chuckled in amusement.

"C'mon, it's one of my best!" May encouraged. For some reason, her and Ed remained pretty responsive, despite downing what in the others' opinion amounted to a small winery. "If you'll do it I'm gonna show y'all a party trick."

"I wanna see a trick, Double D!" Ed perked up. "Do it!"

"Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!" all five started cheering.

"The dreaded peer pressure." the smart boy muttered anxiously. He put a glass to his lips, and drank an ounce of the alcohol with a short loud slurp. Noticing the others' disappointed looks, he added "I was supposed to drink _a sip_."

"Alright, so my part of the deal." the blonde stood up, cracking her fingers. "Now watch, 'cause I'm only gonna do it once." After showing her palms to the audience, to prove she isn't holding anything in them, she made a shape with her fingers and somehow breathed fire from her mouth. The room briefly lightened up as a heart-shaped flame appeared in the air.

Ed was enthusiastically clapping. "Wooooo! Again, again!"

Marie and Lee looked at each other, shades of panic showing at their faces.

Eddy was too hammered to react.

Edd looked at his drink. "_WHAT IN MATT HILL AND SAM VINCENT WAS IN THAT BEVERAGE?!_" he shrieked.

"You twit!" the youngest Kanker earned a dope slap from the redhead. "Now the cat's outta the bag, and we need to make sure they won't say anything about what they've seen..."

The boys backed away a bit, ready to start running.

"Where do you think you're going?" Lee snapped.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." the short boy stepped, or more accurately, stumbled forward, between his friends and the sisters. "Before anything, answer a question, alrite? One, simple, question I'm gonna ask you. Okay?"

The girls exchanged looks and shrugged. "Alright, shoot." Lee said.

"What's under Double D's hat?"

After a few seconds their slightly intoxicated minds needed to process what Eddy had said, May replied with an unsure "We dunno?"

"Really? You don't know what's under Double D's sock?"

"No, we don't."

"But listen," the drunk boy persisted, "are you one-hundred-percent sure you _don't __know..._"

"What the hell is the point of this?" Lee interrupted, annoyed.

"If we know what's under Double D's hat and you don't, then I guess we can keep our mouths shut about why May's a portable Flammenwerfer." the stout boy slurred.

"Uh huh." the redheaded girl nodded. "And what's under Double D's hat?"

"A Post-it, with 'nice try' written on it." Eddy slurred.

The girls looked at each other before Lee sighed. "Alright. But it doesn't leave the trailer, or else..."

After the boys nodded, the redhead clasped her hands. Ed, Edd and Eddy watched in awe and shock as two circles of energy had materialized around her wrists and with a loud buzz moved upward her arms. Then, they connected in one around her shoulders, and moved downwards. Her worn out tank-top and jeans were replaced by a single strap of crimson cloth barely covering her cleavage (the slender boy pulled his hat over his eyes at that point) and a short miniskirt of the same color. A pair of red bat-like wings grew on her back and spread a bit.

The two boys that kept looking were picking up their jaws from the floor.

Marie looked at her sister. "Y'know, you coulda just snap your fingers." She did so, and her apparel changed to a dark blue copy of Lee's outfit, wings included.

"What's wrong in having a little show?" the redhead crossed her arms, then turned to the boys. "So..."

"OH MY GOD THIS IS THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!" the tall boy screamed, ecstatic.

"Just outta curiosity: what color are the blondie's threads?" his drunk buddy asked.

May clapped her hands, and after a split second her appearance matched her sisters', albeit tinted black, and her wings were covered with feathers.

"Ladies," Edd piped in, still covering his eyes, "if I can ask, why are you capable of changing your appearances in such way, not to mention your pyrokinesis abilities?"

"Demonic powers."

"Oh, I knew there was a perfectly logical _I beg your pardon?_"

"We're half demons, on our mother's side." Lee explained.

"Kinda-sorta succubi." Marie added. "As far as we know, our fathers were human, so the proper term is 'cambion'. We ain't immortal, but we've got some of those supernatural powers and stuff."

"So," the stout Ed spoke up, "if we bonk, my soul will be damned for eternity or something?"

"No, no, it doesn't work like that." The redhead raised her hands a bit. "Though I could totally seduce you to force you to do my bidding."

The boy gave her a cocky smile. "Really?"

"Uh huh." She moved her fringe away, to reveal her irises had turned red as well. "I just have to look you in the eyes."

The smart boy pulled out a spare hat from his shorts pocket and put in on his head, covering his eyes with an extra layer.

"Bring it on." Eddy demanded.

Lee gazed into his eyes, with a stare so deep and penetrating Marie watching the scene was convinced her sister wants to take a peek at the boy's very soul.

This scene continued for half-a-minute, during which the boy didn't move an inch.

"…sorry to piss on your parade, but this ain't workin'." he remarked.

"Really?" Lee wasn't pleased. "You aren't feeling any animalistic urges, nothin'?"

"Well, I wanna grope ya, but it's probably just seven permilles of blood in mah alcohol stream."

"Goddammit…" the redhead readjusted her hairdo. "This thing works once every blue moon… Maybe I could try it on someone else…"

She interpreted the hatted boy's attempt at escaping through the window as 'pick someone else'. The middle sister grabbed his leg and pulled him back inside.

"Relax, Oven Mitt," she reassured with a sly grin, "we ain't gonna _force_ you to do anything." She leaned to his ear and whispered "Sorry, Double D, I just like messing with you too much."

"I am going to send you my medical bill, when I'll end up in a hospital_ after a cardiac arrest!_" he shrieked, causing the girls to chuckle.

"Waitasecond." Eddy mumbled. "Where are Ed and May?"

After a beat, a small fireball appeared in Lee's hand. "I'm gonna burn that horny bastard."

"Yes, because any initiative regarding eventual coitus _must _have come from the essentially asexual friend of mine." Edd snarked again.

"WOOOOOOO!" someone cheered outside.

The quartet stepped out of the trailer, girls snapping their fingers and returning to their more casual forms, to notice a squeeing black-and-dark-green blur flying between the caravans.

"Well," the short boy muttered, "that's a lotta brainwashing you'll hafta do."

"Meh." The redhead shrugged. "The folks here at night are too drunk, high or tired to care about that. It shouldn't be an issue."

"I'd be more worried about her braking." The bluenette piped in. "She always had difficulties with-"

"_DUCK AND COVER!_" the blonde shouted.

In a stunning display of accuracy, the dim-witted duo had managed to knock down all four of their friends and siblings. After a brief tumble, all six ended up as a dogpile between the caravans.

"…what did we miss?" the bluenette wheezed at the bottom of it.

"May and I were flying!" Ed shouted, earning a dopeslap from both Lee and Eddy. "Can we do it again? Can we? Can we? Can we?"

The girl sighed. "I dunno, I'm pretty tired after the last time. You're rather big and heavy, y'know."

"Aw…" he patted her on the head in sympathy, "…so now _I _will fly you around!"

Before the girl could ask if someone has a condom, (Because what else could his proposal mean? He _was _a guy after all.) the tall boy picked her up and started running. And before she could ask what the heck is going on, she noticed that the boy had took off and was now soaring through the air, Superman-style.

"How does it feel to be the passenger for once?" the boy asked, ascending above the trailers.

"Sweet." May grinned.

Edd, Marie, Eddy and Lee watched the two circle the trailer park for a few minutes.

"And what's his deal?" the oldest sister asked.

The short boy shrugged. "It's Ed, better get used to stuff like that if you want May to date 'im. Can I get another bottle of that wine?"

**For those of you who care, there's a deleted scene from this on my dA account (bvader95)**

**Aaaand have a stinger. Because I want to pad this out a bit.**

"Lee?"

"Huh?"

"Why did you even invite us?"

"I just wanted to spend time with those few guys who see me as something more than a vagina with life support."

"I see. Trailer park guys are a pain in the ass?"

"Yeah... and why did you come, by the way? Dee and Two-Dee are all polite and stuff, but frankly, I expected you to tell me to get bent."

"'Cause you promised free alcohol."


End file.
